A common experience for those leaving Mormonism are the waves of emotion they are hit by when stepping away. For me it was anger. When I came to terms with my discomfort in the church and after learning about church history I was angry. I was angry for the information about the church that had been withheld from me me entire life. I was angry for the way my family was hurt by the Mormon church. I was angry that my whole life I had been taught to stuff any discomfort or doubt and to give my will completely to God without question. I was angry at the leaders who neither protect nor educate their members. I decided to process this anger by leaning into it.
What shocked me about leaning into anger was how long it took to process it. I left the church in 2020 but only recently am I feeling some sort of peace with stepping away from the church. What shocked me even further was that my rage wasn’t at its strongest when I first left. It was only last year, 2023, when I felt it at its strongest. I’ve thought it over why my rage was a slow build and not a sudden burst. I think I needed time to see myself outside of the church. Yes I did feel some more immediate anger when I first left like learning about church history or policies that are in action today in the Mormon church. But what made me angry was witnessing myself and seeing the effect it still had on my psyche even though I had left and had been out for three years at this point. That even though I my intentions were to move on, I would still have flashbacks of my mission, of someone telling me to cover my shoulders as a kid, the dread I felt when going to Sunday school, the mind numbing boredom of attending three hour church, the people (including adults) who bullied and excluded my brother, the cupcake batter – law of chastity lessons at young womens, the confessions I made to bishops who were essentially strangers and had no business counseling me on my personal life. It would build and build until 2023 it was a raging fire. I was so angry. And granted there was a lot of other stressors in my life that fanned this flame. But I would always go back to the Mormon church.
I noticed something about a month ago. That recently I haven’t been so angry. I have tried to be intentional about feeling every ounce of anger since I left and as you can see I definitely have in the past few years. But I’m wondering if the anger is starting to fade, at least a little bit. Perhaps I’m tired, but I just don’t have the energy to react as I did. I used to think of my time in Mormonism in terms of deep regret. Especially towards my mission. But now it feels more like something from my past that happened that I had little control over. And once I did start to have some more control over my life I chose to leave. That isn’t to say that the regret and anger aren’t entirely gone or that I’m ready to forgive the Mormon church, I never will. But I’m feeling ready to lean into something new. If 2020-2023’s motto was lean into anger, my new motto is lean into curiosity.