My dad still compliments me on the way I studied the scriptures when I was a believing Mormon, even though I haven’t read the bible nor the Book or Mormon since 2020. He says that he likes that I would study to improve myself and not simply to prove any specific point I was trying to make. That’s what took me by surprise when I went on my mission; I thought I was going to have to “bible bash” so to speak as a missionary with other religious people, that I was going to have to know the scriptures inside and out to make any significant points. I found, rather, that how I studied the scriptures became more impactful when I personalized it. When I asked specific questions and hoped God would answer those questions through scripture. For example, I might ask “How can I be more charitable?” or “How can I overcome doubt?” (I ended up succumbing more than overcoming that last question) then look for those answers in the bible or Book of Mormon. It was less of a scholarly approach and more of an individualized approach. Even in the midst of my strongest doubt I loved reading and studying the scriptures. Of course there were times when I wasn’t very consistent, there were plenty of members who were far more knowledgeable than I was when it came to the scriptures, but I loved reading it, I loved studying it. Many times I studied out of desperation and fear of not receiving answers to my prayers, but I had a deep love for those words nonetheless.
You hear stories of what changes when you leave Mormonism. I’ve heard of people losing weight, going to graduate school, starting a business, things they had thought about before but felt that Mormonism was too much of an obstacle to accomplish those goals. For me, unexpectedly, the thing that changed was reading and how I read. I loved reading as a teenager. Though I was – am– a slow reader I remember how easily I got lost in those books. I was a reader up until I left for my mission. As a missionary I could only read church/ mission approved books which came down to scriptures and a few works written by prophets or apostles. I remember towards the beginning of my mission I had an insatiable desire to get lost in a story. This was probably a response to the disappointment I had initially felt when I first entered my mission and feeling that this isn’t the experience I had expected it to be. When those desires to read came up, I imagined reading a coming of age story where a young woman living abroad finds herself amidst sips of coffee and strolling through art museums – really I was imagining the type of life I wanted for myself. But there was no outlet for that other than morning scripture study. That phase would eventually pass as time went on in my mission. But as the realization to the lack of access to books I had on my mission set in, my desire to read anything apart from scriptures started to dwindle. I did love reading and studying the scriptures. Ironically I read every single day of my mission, but I soon forgot about my love of books. My love for stories.
My scripture study, however, soared. I had a meticulous and thoughtful approach to how I read the scriptures. I had tabs, post-it notes, fine tipped pens designed for marginalia, and a notebook to my right that I was constantly scribbling in. I fell in love with the way I studied. During the darkest parts of my mission, scripture study became my rock and my refuge. I got lost in scripture study the way I would get lost in books.
I came home from my mission expecting that I would effortlessly maintain my scripture study habits. But life happened. I went to school, I got busy. My scripture study habits would ebb and flow. I still loved reading the scriptures but I could never get it to look like how it did while I was a missionary. During this time I was studying literature and it was a part of my degree at university. I dove back into reading this time with the guidance of a professor and the feedback from other students. My approach to reading certainty stretched during my time at university. But at the end of the day it was homework, and it was reading assignments I didn’t choose for myself. For the next four years during my college career this was my approach to reading. I seemed to have forgotten entirely what reading felt like when I was a teenager.
The pandemic happened and much like the rest of the world I found myself with a little extra time on my hands. Yes, this is where my faith spiraled and my shelf broke, but this is also when I picked up books a little bit more. I would spiral, then I would read. I would spiral some more, then I would read some more. During this time my dad, aunt, and I had the idea of creating a low commitment book club. Each of us would take turns choosing a book to then later reconvene and analyze the work we read. There was no specific timetable nor genre of focus. It was all at our own pace and own timing. Little by little reading started to feel like how it did when I was a teenager.
But it blossomed beyond that. I wasn’t simply recreating the reading habits I had seemingly lost from when I was younger. I folded in my newer reading traits. The ones I had developed while I was on my mission. The idiosyncrasies I cultivated while reading the scriptures, the marginalia, the post it notes, asking specific questions and looking for specific answers, was all integrated into how I was reading now. It just kind of happened too. I felt the void that my scriptures left when I lost my faith in Mormonism. I didn’t want to lose the security I felt when searching for answers. I think I was partly afraid that I was going to lose my sense of wonder and discovery. That the world would seem less mysterious and more grim if I no longer had a scriptural source in book form to search for answers to life’s questions. That didn’t happen, it was where I got my answers that had shifted. I turned to books. Not books written by God’s chosen and elite, just books written by people with no supposed connection to divinity. Where scriptures drew me closer to God, reading books and falling in love with reading again brought me closer to myself, to nature, to humanity. A stark difference between looking for answers in scripture and looking for answers in literature is that literature typically doesn’t claim to possess any universal truths. The scammier books do of course, but more often than not I have found that these authors are simply sharing their experience. Not an experience that we should model our lives after, it’s just their experience. Now when I am searching for answers in the books I read I find myself no longer looking upwards, but looking to my left and right.